New year, new outlook

Newness.

Just the word brings light hearted images. I think of dark green grass, baby chicks, freshly fallen snow. Some of you think of January first. Tomorrow is New Year's Day and with that will be many resolutions, hope for a better year, or sadness at the passing of a good year, the end of something and the beginning of something new. I once read that with the first of the year comes a "false sense of being renewed." I think there is some truth to that. However, the fact that we instinctively long to be renewed begs the question-why? Romans 8:18-23 gives great insight:

"What we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. Against its will, all creation was subjected to God's curse. But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God's children in glorious freedom from death and decay. For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us."

You see, our spirit instinctively know we were designed for a world better than this-a world free of suffering, pain, mistakes and death. We are constantly looking for relief of these things we were not intended to encounter. Because Adam and Eve disobeyed God in the garden of Eden, the result is all of this pain we weren't initially designed for. So our spirit is made hopeful at the thought of a second chance, of renewal, of a clean slate. We all want to start over and try to get it right a second time. But January first isn't what will make the difference. Has it before? What were the hopes of January 1, 2011 and the days afterward? No, we need something more than our weak will and a new calendar year.

We need somebody to rescue us.

That's why Jesus came in the first place. When we long for renewal it is a reminder that we need Jesus because only He can truly cleanse us and give us a second chance and the power to succeed at it.

If you haven't accepted Jesus as the one who came to rescue you from your sin, all you have to do is confess to Him that you are in a mess and can't get out of that cycle of making a mess without Him. When you confess your sin, He will be faithful to forgive your sin and He will cleanse you from all unrighteousness-or will wash you of anything that separates you from God. From that point, you need to start reading the Bible. If you don't have a Bible, get one. The best translation is NIV (New International Version). If you can't afford one, for the time being you can use www.biblegateway.com You also need to be in a Bible based church. To find one in your area, here is a good place to start: You can learn more about Assemblies of God churches and where to find them.

For those who have made these steps and are believers, Paul continues in Romans 8:23-28 by saying "We believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children,[j] including the new bodies he has promised us. We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)
And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

We long for that day when things will be made right. As believers we have the help of the Holy Spirit to get us through times of discouragement and times when we fail and are failed. We also have the Holy Spirit to intercede on our behalf in order to have breakthroughs. We comfort ourselves with Romans 8:28 so often because the truth of it speaks to the part of us that knows there is more than what is here, there is more than all these things that don't make sense.

For renewal, rely on Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit. Encourage yourself with what the Bible says instead of going by what you feel. Remember, we are pilgrims just passing through. This earth is not our final stop. That's why we long for the ideal, for the perfect things. One day, all things will become clear and we will reach heaven. Begin this new year realizing that the change of the year won't be the answer to your problems, but if you trust and follow Jesus closely, this year will be great nonetheless.

From the Drought

Did you know that Thanksgiving feasts happened in the colonies after there had been a call to fasting? History.com's article on Thanksgiving states on the second page of the article,"Pilgrims held their second Thanksgiving celebration in 1623 to mark the end of a long drought that had threatened the year’s harvest and prompted Governor Bradford to call for a religious fast."
The first settlers (pilgrims) had fasted because their crops were being threatened and they were praying to the God of the harvest to intervene and save them and to bring a harvest that they could rely on through the winter. Without it they could possibly and probably die. When God was faithful to hear their petitions and met their needs not only by having just enough for them, but blessing them in abundance, they gave thanks. They gave thanks with what God had provided them-the way He had answered their prayers. They held a feast. This reminds me that our best thanksgiving comes out of our worst droughts. When we go through hard times, we seem to listen harder for the voice of the Lord as believers and we tend to think more about eternal things, as humans. Whenever there is a long drought in your own spiritual or emotional life, a time of fasting may be in order. Rest assured though that the drought and the fasting won't be forever. And when it does end, give thanks. Thank Him by using what He has blessed you with. If it is food, have a feast. If it is a job, give above your tithe to your church. If it is restored health, give of your time and energy to others. Whatever you do, thank Him. After all, thanking Him for His goodness is what praise is. That is not reserved to the last Thursday of every November. This Thanksgiving, do not just gorge yourself on turkey and familial angst. Focus on the Source of your bounty-trust me, if you look you will find bounty in your life. You find what you look for.


I will sing to the LORD, because He has dealt bountifully with me. Psalm 13:6


I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving. Psalm 69:30

Sing to the LORD with thanksgiving; Psalm 147:7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6

The Promise Keeper

Tonight as I was standing in church, I looked around the sanctuary right as the music began and we stood. In that moment, I wasn't just looking at my church family. The Lord reminded me of dreams these people have...that are not yet reality. The one who relocated his family here for a job, only to be looking for work when the economy shifted. The one who has a specific calling and passion but the time isn't right and they are still being faithful to do what they can with what they have until the tide shifts. The one who has unanswered questions, lingering doubts, and is even a little angry at God-not understanding why they are in the place they are. I could go on with the shards of hearts that I saw as I looked at God's Bride. We forget that we are not the only ones who are working through a season of plowing. A season of watering. A season of growth. We plow. We water. But it is God who makes us grow (1 Corinthians 3:7). We hate plowing. We hate the work of watering. And we hate the growing for a different reason. We are not the grower. We are the one being made to grow, and in that we find a whole new set of things we find uncomfortable.
Tonight, it was as if I saw a basket. All of us have these seemingly random dreams that are seemingly unmet. But it is all of our lives that will come together-woven- to magnify the Basket Weaver. His plan for each of our lives will come together to form one plan and that plan is His kingdom here on earth as it is in heaven. So there are two things I realized/remembered tonight: I am not the only one waiting on dreams to come to pass, and all of our lives will come together for one purpose: to glorify Him. Be sure, God will be glorified (Philippians 2:10-11). So we have that hope that our lives surely will come together.

As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. Isaiah 55:10-11

You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the LORD your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed. Joshua 23:14

When God Whispers

All day Mammaw was on my mind. I just felt like I needed to go by her house and see her. I hadn't seen her this week or talked on the phone with her since Tuesday. My mom and I went by after our day out of shopping for a wedding gift for a lovely friend of mine. Mammaw was surprised to see us and genuinely pleased to have us come in (more than usual). Though she told us of her worries, and mentioned that she misses my pappaw and sometimes wonders what he'd look like now if he were still with us, our visit was pleasant and before we knew it, Mom and I had been there for several hours. We caught up on plans for the holidays, joked about various things and laughed heartily. She kissed us goodbye and gave us warm grandmotherly hugs, and said with a satisfied tone "I sure am glad you girls came by today." Mom and I returned the gesture and waved goodbye with smiles on our faces and enjoyed the Sugar Maples still ablaze in their Fall splendor. But just a moment ago I looked down at my phone and saw the date. November 5th. And it registered with me: Today marks sixteen years since the death of my pappaw, my grandmother's beloved life partner.
Listen to those whispers of the Holy Spirit. A lonely soul, a hurting heart may be the reason for His nudges.

Be blessed on this November evening.

Trusting God With A Dream Deferred

As I hear the rain tonight, I am reminded of a word that was spoken over me by Mrs. Paton this past Spring...

It was a personal thing as most events like that are, but the gist of it is this: I'm like a little girl with her face upward in the rain of the Holy Spirit, just waiting and yielding myself to whatever He wants to do in my life. I'm dancing in the puddles and smiling because I am being washed in the Spirit and filled with joy.

I am also reminded to slow down, to relax the muscles that have been tensed and to release my hopes to Him, unafraid. It is a scary thing to continue dreaming after they fail to come to pass. Upon the death of one of the largest dreams of my life to date, I asked God the popular question "Why?" I asked what I was supposed to do and where I was to go from here. But He didn't tell me any of that. What I did hear Him say was even better. In that still, small whisper (a lot like tonight's sweet rain), In response to my challenge "What do I do now that this dream is dead?" His answer was gently Am I not the God of resurrections? I then remembered the story of Lazarus. He had been sick and so his sisters sent word to Jesus to come so that Jesus could heal him. But Jesus waited two more days before He headed to the city of Bethany. When He did finally leave, He already knew that Lazarus was "asleep" in death but He said that Lazarus's sickness wouldn't end in death. When He got there Lazarus had been dead for four days. The sisters were deeply upset at Jesus, saying things such as "If you hadn't waited so long he wouldn't be dead. You could've healed him!!" Jesus wept with them even though He knew what was going to happen next. He loved them so much that He wept at the thought of their grief...and perhaps at their lack of faith. You see, they thought backwards. They thought that Jesus could heal sickness but not death in this life. They thought it was too late for anything to be done. But Jesus longed to show them that not even death could limit His power. If Lazarus had not died, God would not have been glorified as greatly in that situation. Jesus even said “Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe.” (John 11:14 & 15)
Sometimes things have to die in order for our belief to be aroused. Sometimes things have to die in order for us to be convinced that Jesus really does care about what concerns us. And sometimes, dreams have to die before we will put them in Jesus's hands and allow Him to breath His life into them.
He asked them to lead Him to where Lazarus was buried. They removed the stone and Jesus called him by name and commanded him to come forth. Glory was given to God as the people were greatly amazed. People were even added into the Kingdom because of it.
You see, your revived dream with God's touch is better than a living dream with your touch.

Hearing the soft rain landing on the roof reminds me that God speaks in the small things such as a child's soft "I love you" and He speaks in the big things such as the death of a hope or a dream...and bringing it back to life- life surrendered to His will. Are you experiencing a time in between where you thought you would be at this time and where you actually are? Are you experiencing what seems to be a dead end road, a change in seasons in life or an unexpected hurt? I leave you with the Holy Spirit's words to me. Am I not the God of resurrections? The longer you know Him, the more you will find it true that yes, indeed; He is.

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Jesus

Sometimes the hardest place to be is broken at the feet of Jesus. But I am learning that He will do whatever it takes to bring me into deeper intimacy with Him. That includes brokenness. I am learning that my frustration and hurt and sense of loss comes from the nasty head of entitlement. Instead of thanking God for what I have and who I know and what and who He has brought into my life, I have been angry for what has not come. Lord, forgive me. I am not entitled to marriage or a certain job or even the pursuit of happiness. I have been given life, liberty and the ability to pursue Jesus and be pursued by Him. I have been given awesome friends and family and a great church. I have been given a good job in easy working conditions, friendly co-workers and great hours. I have been given more than I deserve and spared from most of what I do deserve. I know what it is to be content-its through Jesus and His strength He daily gives (my paraphrase of Philippians 4:12-13).

Whatever He chooses to give me is serving a purpose. I live to glorify Him-not to understand the reasons behind everything He does. I know that what He does is for His glory and for my good. I have to trust that even when things don't always make sense. He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all we could ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).


Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say it is well, it is well with my soul.

When Things Don't Go As Planned

I have been working as an assistant preschool teacher for a month now. But you thought I was going to school to be in ministry, you say? I did indeed. Don't worry, I didn't change my major again when you weren't looking. I simply cannot find a job doing what God has called me to do.
So instead I work at a job that has worn my body down and that I am almost passionless about (just being honest here). I do it because I need the money and I do it because this is what God has provided for me right now. But do I love it? No. Do I want to do this for the rest of my life? No. I'm told that this is life. This is the real adult world-working just to pay the bills and not finding joy in what you do. But if this is true, why did I go to school and pay all of that money?! If this is true why did God even give me a dream or a vision or a passion or a way to achieve it? And if it is true, why do I know it my heart it is a lie?
I am really trying to understand that I cannot understand. I am really trying to appreciate where I am. In most areas of life, I am appreciative. And I am appreciative that I have a job at all especially after not having money for important things in the past and after being at home sick all day today. But I'm not passionate about it. It's not what I'm best at or what my heart longs to do. I know this is a season. I pray it is a mighty short one.

Between the almost and the not yet. That's where faith is built. That's where the squares of hope are sewn together. That's where trust is birthed and grown.

In the waiting I am helping with the awesome youth ministry at my church, excited about it's future while phantom pains of what used to be and has been erased lingers in my heart. I am on the tight rope of expectancy and hope for the future and sadness of the past.
These days that's where I find my self in this place where things don't go as planned.

Birthday thoughts

I can't believe another year has gone by so quickly. So many things have happened between these two days on the calendar: September 9, 2010 and September 9, 2011. I have been to different countries and states, lived in a mountain cottage, graduated college and secured my first full time job. I have held on and let go, loved and lost, loved and was victorious, grown closer to God and as a result of all of this I am closer to my destiny.
The thing about destiny is that it's all of the days put together. It doesn't usually happen all at once. Thank you God for the past 23 years. Thank you for promises as sure as the dawn, as certain as the rising sun and the new mercies that always come with it.

Heavy Desires In the Process of Being Fulfilled: How to keep them from crushing you under their weight

It isn't that I don't love my family. I do. Very much. But somewhere along the line, staying in this town became equated with failure. Failure to "escape," what I'm supposed to be escaping I don't know. Failure to break free and be different than the last five generations of my family. Failure to make something of myself. Going off to college and not staying gone meant failure. Sure sign of it. Where did I get this idea? I'm not sure. But tonight while talking to one of my friends, that is what flowed out of my thoughts. After he mentioned that we are so much alike, going through many of the same things at the same time, when I brought up the fact that at one point I had begged God not to make me stay here he bluntly yet quietly stated "I guess that's where we differ." That statement hit me between the eyes as I reflected on his tight knit relationships with his family and friends back home. I realized that in his statement reason carried that I did not share those sentiments with my family and for the first time I felt shame about this feeling of having failed. Am I where God wants me? Yes. Is it so bad? It's actually quite wonderful. Is God able to move in my life here? You bet. Especially since it is where He has called me, at least for today. Do I desire different circumstances than the ones I find here? Certainly. But God's way in God's time. His time isn't like mine, after all. My smart, godly friend also said "I don't think you ever want to get somewhere too early." This drew out a thought of my own "It must be as miserable as getting there too late."
And I'm left with the heart crushing question "What do you do when you are under the burden of your desires in that time of almost and not yet?" I will follow the advice of my friend: you wait. You follow king David's lead as you wait.

Looks like I'm going to be digging through the Old Testament for a while.

When Your Whole Life fits in Your Basement

Today I woke to the sound of the phone ringing. It was an unusual way to start my saturday. We all hurried to become some semblance of dressed and headed down the road to an estate sale. My mom has been looking for two living room lamps. Her best friend called with news of having found two lamps that would go perfectly with our current decor. We found the house, met up with Mom's friend and set out to look at the aforementioned lamps. We also began to look at all the other items that had been moved into the finished basement due to impending rain.
As I looked out across the sea of gnomes, snowmen, Christmas wreaths, books, perfume-some newly bought but never finished as intended-pictures, exercise equipment and finally the lamps, I realized a sad truth. After eighty years on this earth, this woman who was nameless to me, left behind her beautiful home, nice sized yard, and even her perfume. Her son and daughter were there supervising the sales. But whatever wasn't sold at the end of the day was going on Craig's list or being given to Habitat for Humanity.
No doubt she left a legacy. She is in heaven and her children grieve not as those who have no hope...but I had to wonder "Is this what we toil for? Is this what we aspire to?" Do I chase after a lovely home and landscape only to leave it and even personal items such as perfume or lotion behind?
Life is a vapor.
Today I was reminded to live for the things that are eternal. Today I was reminded to live in such a way that my legacy cannot be confined by basement walls on fold up tables in a sale to strangers who do not even know my name. Knowing my name is not what is important, but being better off eternally and spiritually because of the way Christ was lived through me? That's something that just can't fit in a basement.

*The lamps look beautiful in the living room and are a reminder to me to let my light shine (pardon the pun) and to remember a lady who once lived for Jesus even though I never knew her name.*

When the loans come before the Job

Talking to the kind people who loaned me money to get through school...(we'll forget about the outrageous interest they charged in exchange for that great knowledge no one can take from me!)...I realized a lot of things. I'd like to share one of those things with you:

We depend on our jobs. A lot. I personally don't have a job currently so I have had to find another means of dependence. It would be my dad. But he is also unemployed. So who does that leave?

I feel terrible for asking it quite like that because you see, God should be the first one I depend on. Today in one half minute my mind went in this order: I need a job now! Why can't churches at least tell me if they're not going to hire me? How am I going to pay for all of this? I just want to start my life as an adult.

And then the peace comes. That sweet, gentle peace of the Holy Spirit that says I am your all in all. So you see, even though I do not know how it will all be worked out, I know that it will all be worked out. Max Lucado said "Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, its not the end."

Faithful God

I woke up with this song in my heart. I've made bold the lines that have been ruminating in my spirit lately. I wanted to share a good thing with you.

by Laura Story

May the grace that sought my heart on that first day
Be the grace that binds my heart to stay
May the truth that opened up my eyes on that first time
Be the thoughts on my mind that never go away

For You are a lamp to my feet
A light to my path
You're the hand that's holding me

Faithful God, every promise kept
Every need You've met, Faithful God
All I am and all I'll ever be
Is all because You love faithfully
Faithful God

May the love that caught my heart to set it free
Be the love that others see in me
And may this hope that's reaches to the depths of human need
Be the song that I sing in joy and suffering

For you are the love that never leaves
The friend that won't deceive
You're the one sure thing

Faithful God, every promise kept
Every need You've met, Faithful God
All I am and all I'll ever be
Is all because You love faithfully
Faithful God

How deep, how wide the love
That pierced His side, the love
Redemption's mine, O Love that will not let me go

How deep the love (How deep, how wide the love)
How deep the love (That pierced His side, the love)
Redemption's mine, O Love that will not let me go

How deep, how wide the love
That pierced His side, the love
Redemption's mine, O Love that will not let me go

Faithful God, every promise kept
Every need You've met, Faithful God
All I am and all I'll ever be
Is all because You love faithfully
Faithful God

Matthew 6 & 7 at a glance

(Check out the chapters for yourself!)


Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth...but store up treasures in heaven..for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also...no one can serve two masters...You cannot serve both God & money...Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear...for the pagans run after all these things & your heavenly Father knows you need them...BUT seek first his kingdom & his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.


When we do things His way, considering things closest to His heart we will not only have what we want and need; we will have the things closest to His heart foremost and all we need will be given in addition to His kingdom and His righteousness...

...as if additions could be made to that.

I see several important patterns here:

Spiritual first. Physical second.

When we wait on the physical and do what He asks, we receive the physical as well as another reward in full.

Because we cannot serve two masters, when we serve money we are not able to serve God. But when we serve God, money isn't an issue.

Since you can't serve God and money, Jesus says to just not worry about the physical. If you have to choose a god, choose the real, true, living God.

Pagans run after what will satisfy for now and worry about themselves but as a Christ follower this isn't who you are! When you run after Christ instead, God will make sure your needs are met but you will also be in right standing with Him.

The Spiritual and the Physical needs-the two need not be mutually exclusive. In fact, Jesus gave us the recipe to keep them together.

"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33
I know from personal experience worrying is easier than seeking.

Let me say that again. We thing worrying is easier than seeking. So we worry. We worry about finances. We worry about finding a job. We worry about what we do not have that we think we need or legitimately need. We worry about relationships that are falling apart, are being formed, or we worry one will never form. But is that really easier?

We become a slave to money or to worry itself sometimes. This is troubling. After all, "No one can serve to masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other." Matthew 6:24a

Is serving worry really easier? Is serving money and running after it (especially in the absence of it) really easier?

What does seeking entail?

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6: 34

.:We are not to judge others (Matthew 7:1)

.:We are to take care of our own "planks" before we remove specks. (Matthew 7:5)

.:We are not to throw sacred things around, but honor them. We are not to throw our pearls before pigs so to speak. (Matthew 7: 6)

.:We are to ask because it is they who ask who will receive. (Matthew 7:7)

.:We are to seek because everyone who seeks, finds what they are looking for. (Matthew 7:7)

.:We are to knock in our seeking because when we do, the door will be opened. (Matthew 7:7)

.:We are to trust that God has good things to give us. (Matthew 7:9-12)

.:We are to choose the narrow way (which is seeking Life...see above points). (Matthew 7:13-14)

.:We are to bear good fruit. Be what we seem. Make right choices. A fig won't be found on a peach tree! Likewise, dark choices won't come from a follower of the Way. (Matthew 7:16-17)

.:We are not to only claim to do things for God. We are to do His will by seeking Him. That is the only way. (Matthew 7: 21-24)


It is interesting to note that when we seek after His kingdom and His righteousness, there is a fulfillment in His pleasure as we become clean from the inside out. This is a true righteousness-truly becoming like Him. However, when we choose to worry, there is an endless pit of self destruction and of dispair.

Choose the sunshine. Choose life. Choose to seek. Seek His righteousness and His kingdom. After all, we are promised that we will receive that first and we will be warm and well fed to boot.

Thoughts on Not Thinking About My Self

One thing has been ruminating in me lately:

I'm a better person when I'm not thinking about me.

How many vices could be avoided if I followed this logic? I wouldn't constantly admonish myself to be altruistic toward others. I would not remind myself to think of how God would not be glorified by my actions. I would not fall into the throws of dispair.

By default if I am not thinking of my self, I will be thinking of everyone else. What a more productive and dare I say, Christlike way to live.

Home

I am not a city girl.
If I had a lot of money, I'd like to go on a shopping spree. Don't get me wrong.
But I'm not a catch a cab, concrete jungle, street names are only numbers kind of girl.

Queen Anne's Lace. Wading in a pond. Taking pictures with old barns and bales of hay. Meeting for a family get together at a fish camp (in a place where people know what a fish camp is!). Tractor pulls. Small hometown parades. Homemade Sundrop pound cake. Homemade Cheerwine Ice Cream. Porch swings and porch ceiling fans. You can say "tea" and everybody with sense knows it'll have 2 cups of sugar in it. No need to add "sweet" to its name. Mountain cabin by a winding creek. Wild flowers. Rolling hills. Sweet babies. Friendly people who have manners, tact...couth.

I'm a small town girl. I see no shame in that. Small town doesn't mean small mind. It means that after going all over the world, and graduating from a university you have a place to call home that is more than one confined space. Some people dream of fame or fortune or are never satisfied with the horizons they stretch. But I will always love home. No matter where I am.

Whine Fest

Why is it that the only thing I know I want to do is up to someone else? At the risk of being vulnerable, loving him is like never being able to go home and get comfortable because you get to the porch but constantly find yourself locked out. I feel locked out of a lot of things lately. I feel locked out of ministry. I feel locked out of having a family of my own. I feel locked out of ever being loved romantically (and here's the catch) by someone I love in return. That's always the part where it gets tricky. I either care about the person but they don't care about me in that manner or vice versa. I feel locked out of...ironically...having a home of my own. I feel locked out of further education and then feel guilty because some people don't even have as much education as I do. So I can't get my masters right now, I need to get over it and stop mourning it. I don't know where to live. I don't know anything. I have had SUCH a victim mentality the past few days.
I want to be in love with someone...I am in love by myself.
I want to have a family...I've never dated.
I want to trust God...everything He has told me is in His timing and hasn't come to pass yet.
I want to doubt...but trusting is the only option of hope that I have.
I want to be in full time ministry...I don't have a clue where I fit and no one to help me.
I want to disciple people...Refer to previous statement.
I want to travel...I'm poor. haha
I have big dreams...I'm tired.

I'm going to bed. Maybe things will look brighter tomorrow. If not, at least I'll be one day closer to the promises that God has given me that I KNOW are coming my way.

Missing You

We often tell people we miss them. I miss people all the time! I looked it up for further insight on the term. To miss someone is to regret their absence. Is that deep or just me?
The trouble with missing someone is that you don't miss them until they're not with you. To regret their absence implies that absence is required. Sometimes I anticipate someone's absence and that produces the same feeling.
Another problem with missing people is that (at least for me) there are many people to miss. I miss having a "pappaw" (Grandpa). I miss friends from college. I miss friends who used to be close but I haven't talked to lately. I miss my parents who are all the way in North Carolina. When you're with them, you either soak it up or take it for granted. Either way, you don't know what you have until you regret the absence of them. A statement that has been rolling around in my head a lot these past few weeks is something that was said to me a few months back. One of my closest friends said they didn't miss me as I missed them because I didn't give them the chance to miss me. That has made me think a lot. When I love someone I regret their absence as long as they're gone-whether that be five minutes or 16 years.
Why am I talking about this? Because as I've been staying with new friends in Oklahoma I have realized something. I'm always missing someone. I miss some more than others, to be honest. But there is never a time I'm not missing someone. Because of this, I need to be thankful where I am and enjoy the time I have with the people I'm with in the moment because at some point, I won't be with them anymore. That will only result in one thing for certain...I will inevitably regret their absence.

Playing Mercy

Rules

Two players face each other and grab their opponents hands (opponent #1's right hand to opponent #2's left hand, opponent #1's left hand to opponent #2's right hand, interlocking fingers or thumbs with fingers wrapped around an opponent's back part of the hand). On the word "go", each opponent attempts to bend the other's hands back and inflict pain by straining the ligaments and tendons in the wrist. When a player can no longer stand the pain, or reverse the situation by overpowering the other player and bending back their wrists, the player cries out "Mercy!" (or "Peanuts!", "Danny Stavros Buck", "Pinochle" or "Uncle" in some areas) and is then defeated. The players then disengage hands and match is completed.
In some areas, Mercy is usually one-handed, with both players using either their right or left hands. In this version, the use of the other hand at all is considered cheating. There is also often a focus on bending the opponent's arm as well as hand. Skilled Mercy players often use specific strategies to get their opponents into painful positions, such as twisting the arm around so that the elbow is pointed towards the neck, against the back, and then pushing up on the arm.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Sometimes I feel like I'm playing mercy with God. This morning I felt that way. I was having my quiet time with the Lord; I read a chapter out of a book, I read from my Bible and I journaled. When I started praying for my family I just cried, "Mercy! God, we KNOW You're faithful. You don't have to keep proving it. Can we please just get jobs now?" I then asked the Lord to forgive me for the outburst, for the bad attitude and for that feeling in my heart. But I knew that He saw it and I might as well admit it.
The thing about playing mercy is that the opponent is bent on causing you pain until you cave.

That's not the God I serve. When I start feeling this way, it reveals a flaw within me. My mom has a way of making macaroni noodles and tuna seem like a feast. I don't know how she does it. We are so blessed. Sometimes we get depressed and stressed out because we sit at home all day when not out looking for jobs. We wonder how we'll squeeze by until the next week. But somehow God always provides. We just wish it wasn't so close all the time!

God doesn't play at mercy. It isn't a sick and twisted game. He extends it freely to all who need it. Anytime I feel like He is doing anything different, it reveals a nature of entitlement in me. I don't deserve anything. But through His grace and His mercy, I will always have what I need and in the words of the immortal Mary Poppins, "Enough is as good as a feast."

The Root of the Matter

This morning in my prayer time I was basically doing spiritual warfare for my family. I was was speaking life over my household and accepting the things of God that He has to give us. I was binding and cutting and cursing the darkness. One thing that came up in my spirit was "root of rebellion, I say to you that you have no place here. You must go and in your place is the Root of Jesse." I couldn't tell you where that came from except for the Spirit of God recalling scripture, because right after that prayer time, I googled it! haha Turns out there are three scripture references: two old testament and one new testament. Isaiah 11:1 says "A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse; from his roots a Branch will bear fruit." Isaiah 11:10 says "In that day the Root of Jesse will stand as a banner for the peoples; the nations will rally to him, and his place of rest will be glorious." Romans 15:12 says "And again, Isaiah says,“The Root of Jesse will spring up, one who will arise to rule over the nations; the Gentiles will hope in him.”
What a break through the Holy Spirit gave me! Whatever root is in our life-bitterness, rejection, poverty, rebellion, fear, discouragement, anger, or anything else-it HAS NO PLACE because the Root of Jesse-Jesus Christ should have that place in your life!
I just want to dance a victory dance!

Learning in the Inbetween

I am at an interesting place in this journey. Sometimes I forget it's a journey with one complete end but many side destinations. It's the different destinations I tend to forget about. My purpose is to advance the kingdom of God through equipping and discipling young people. My heart is to see them reach their full potential to be able to advance the kingdom with their own gifts.
But today? I know I'm where I'm supposed to be today. At home with a paint catastophe in the kitchen, 2 cakes to be baked and three graduations to worry about this saturday and the ever present crisis of lack of money. I need a job, ya'll. BADLY.
I am caught between panic and trust, control and faith, fear and peace. Everyday I go through the cycles. I KNOW who God is and who He says I am. But I'm tired of riding the rollar coaster. I don't even know how I want things to go. I'm so lost in this sea and tired of getting beaten to death by waves that I am finally at the place God has wanted me all along...surrender.
Audrey Assad has a wonderful album The House You're Building. In that album is a song "Everything." A line that applies here and reverberates in my mind is "If everything is Yours I'm letting it go. It was never mine to hold."
All I want is ministry. Marriage would be wonderful but it would get in the way right now. I'm not just saying that because there's not anyone to marry. It's been made clear to me that's the reason there isn't anyone.
This brings me back to my conundrum. God's timing is perfect. So why am I in Mooresville with no job and honestly, no life?
It's the question that lingers and won't dissapear after being asked. Like a wad of foil in outerspace it just hangs around.
I found the answer to that question while I was washing dishes the other night. I was home alone, the house was finally quiet. Nothing but the sound of dishes being rinsed and the Holy Spirit praying through my vocal chords. All of a sudden it hit me. This thought:
It would take more faith for you to stay here than it would for you to move to the middle of the country.

At that realization I cried for fear that it meant I was going to be asked by God to stay! I know that sounds bad. But for some reason there has been this block. I haven't wanted to stay here. Maybe because I've lived here my whole life, maybe because I don't like it when people don't like me and after 22 years of life there are at least 1.5 people in this town who fit into that category. (Too specific? Sorry. Just being honest.) I'm a runner. I run from things. I run to things. I run. Quickly. Sporadically. God is showing me that I need to be chill with wherever He puts me and until then I'm going to be in the place I least want to be. It isn't bad here. It isn't horrible. There is just no opportunity for a full time ministry position and no where for me to live but at home. Maybe I'm being too candid. But I can't separate being candid and being honest.
I'm in a holding pattern for a reason. There are several I can think of. One: get my heart and motives right for leaving. -Leave because I have a job somewhere else. Leave because I feel called. Leave because I want to. But not because I'm trying to be radical or just because I don't want to stay.
Two: God is lining things up.
Three: I'm suffering for other people's lack of choice making skills. (This is my favorite because it means I'm 0% at fault!! Just kidding)
The real number three: Reasons only heaven knows, only God understands and only I will appreciate when that reason is revealed. It's no one's fault. There is an issue of timing. See point two.

God, whenever You're ready, let's do this.

A One Sided Conversation with God

by Jada Parker

The days roll by and I sit idly by
aware of my dreams and of my purpose.
I feel amis,
has it all come to this?
That I have come this far, and am not of service?

I thank you for my daily bread.
You give me all I need.
You know the number of every hair upon my head
and I try to fight the sin that causes greed.

I don't want to be an ingrate.
I don't want to come so far
just to grow bitter
and distant from your heart.
I don't want to be careless
cold to who you say I'll be.
I'm just so tired of having to say
"We'll wait and see."

Manna is only good for the day.
My manna comes and then it rots as quickly as it came.
I can't get by on yesterday's and I can't get by without.
While I see it coming, it still seems I'm in a drought.

I don't want to be ungrateful
for every breath you give.
I don't want to be a poor steward
of every day I have to live.
Lord, please keep me mindful
of this simple truth:
every single thing I have comes from you.

Thoughts Before Preaching

I have found myself in a place I didn't intend to be. It's a good place. Anytime we awake to find ourselves resting in the hammock of God's grace, muscles relaxed, safety not in question, it is a good place to be. I wanted to work with young girls but I didn't know what that would entail. And here I sit. Getting playfully picked on by pastors who love me as I make final touches on my sermon for tonight. The future is still uncertain. But I am confident of this: wherever He leads me it will be bigger than my greatest expectations. Because He has led me here. And at the moment, I can sense the Spirit so strongly, sense His pleasure so greatly and my heart is so greatly full.

The Measure of Progress

The Lord has been waking me up in the morning with ideas. I surely know that something is coming. The what and when are unclear but all that matters is the fact that its coming. And what to do in the meantime? Love Him with all of my heart,soul, mind and strength and love my neighbor as myself. Live a life of love. Write down what He tells me. Go where He is leading. Do what He is doing.

In times of uncertainty we need know only this one thing. We need to always be where God is because wherever He is, is where change will be. The God who changes not has the keen ability to change us and the seasons and the circumstances we find ourselves to be in. In that promise, we find hope and all we'll ever need.

Sometimes we don't see what needs to happen until we have a purer form to serve as pattern. When we see that example to go by, we understand how deeply in the depths we have settled and subsequently gotten stuck. Wheels that spin are not the main objective. For whether traveling a thousand miles, or being stuck in mud tires will spin the same. We sometimes look at our lives and see the spinning wheels as progress. And so we pat ourselves on the back. But progress is not the spinning of wheels. Therefore they cannot be our measuring stick. It is the way of the heart. Have we learned what it is to truly love? Have we learned to give selflessly to others? Have we learned that our word is our bond? Have we remembered the psalm that we are to keep our oath even when it hurts (Psalm 15)? Do we love, serve, teach, obey, lead and follow?

That is what measures progress. Sanctification is about one day at a time. If we are not closer to the likeness of Jesus today than yesterday, we have made inverse progress. We regress.

I once heard it said by a friend that true love is the desire of your heart while counterfeit love settles and justifies problems. Too many problems have been justified. Too many instances have been "settle for"s. Who determines what amount is too many? One justification is too much. The rest are bonuses. For this is the only justification we need:

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:1-5

Movement cannot be our progress. Our own justification cannot be our righteousness. We cannot be our own stability.

We need Jesus.

This is why any relationship or circumstance that employs these tactics must be examined carefully. Any place these means are used is attempting to replace Christ and His grace with a human means of adequacy. But they could never be adequate. Because we need Him.

Dwelling in Unity: Day 7

Dwelling in Unity: Day 7: "May 15, 2011 From 35,000 feet Personal Reading: Radical by David Platt 'Every saved person this side of heaven owes the gospel to every l..."

Dwelling in Unity: Day 6

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Dwelling in Unity: Day 5

Dwelling in Unity: Day 5: "May 13, 2011 Personal Reading: Primal Chapter 5 'Samuel thinks if he gives me flowers I'll go wherever he wants me to. But I'm not that k..."

Dwelling in Unity: Day 4

Dwelling in Unity: Day 4: "May 12, 2011 Personal Reading: John 1, Primal Chapter 4 'The longer we journey, the more aware of His presence we become, until we see Him..."

Dwelling in Unity: Day 3

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Dwelling in Unity: Day 2

Dwelling in Unity: Day 2: "May 9, 2011 Personal Reading: Primal Chapter 2; Hebrews 11 'It's much easier to act like a Christian than it is to react like one. Anyone ..."

Dwelling in Unity: Day 1

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Reflections of A Pilgrim

As I sit in God's will-figuratively but also literally-I look around me and see the loveliness that is Southeastern. Still can't believe I got to come here and that I graduate in two and a half weeks! God is so amazing. He takes me by surprise all the time. I have learned so much about myself and about Him. I didn't find the things I expected to (Let's be honest: ring by Spring), but I did find things I didn't expect (Such as the desire to get my MDiv). I miss home. By home, I mean the mountains of North Carolina. I daydream about gardens and sweet drives on the Blue Ridge Parkway with the windows down and the sunroof open. I miss my Mama and Daddy. I'm so thankful that God is allowing me to go to Romania and has allowed me to go to Israel and I am excited about all the other places I will get to go for Him. But I am equally thankful that out of all the places in the world, Western North Carolina is home. It's so nice to come back to. :) It's also okay that I didn't find Mr. Jada while I was here. I have always wanted to be a homemaker, but I can make a home for myself. I have the rest of my life to be a wife and mom so I'm just learning to embrace the future that is quickly becoming the present. I am learning who I am and it's wonderful! I am learning that no matter how I feel, rollar coaster up or rollar coaster down, God's plans are not unstable. He's the solid place for me to stand.

Jason Upton has some lyrics that have really been hitting me in a certain spot of my heart lately:

"There will be days you feel like flying.
Then there'll be days you feel like crying.
Never give up, never stop trying.
Never believe My love is dying.
'Cause when the whole world is through with you, baby
I will still love you, My child..."

I guess I should finish my 10 page Corinthians paper now...

Day Dreams

I'm sitting in the library not doing the very work that looms over my head. If I'd just get it done, I wouldn't be stressed. My life stings of paradox.
I'm thinking about the longings in my heart. The desires that cause my daydreams these days are also the things that distract me from my present reality. I know that at some point in the near future I will wish I were back here. Why do we do that to ourselves? haha
How awesome is it to be where God is, seeing all that He sees, knowing the big picture? Not that I want that responsibility, but my point is that because He sees and knows, the futility of my worry is magnified. God is working all things together for my good and for His glory.
All the longings of my heart are being stirred these days and I wonder if it's just me or if it's the Holy Spirit. Yesterday I prayed and asked God that if it wasn't of Him that the feelings and dreams would die. But they haven't.
I thought about how scary going into a new era of life will be and how much part of me wants to stay at Southeastern even thought the other 98% of me is ready to move on. God reminded me that when I came here I had the same thoughts about Montreat College. Every place that is known, every face that is familiar, every encounter I've had with God was at one point unknown, unfamiliar, unfelt. I had to have the faith to step out from what I knew and be ready to trust that God had something more for me.
I think the longings are the whispers, no the yells in my heart that the Lord is using to remind me that this is just the beginning. There is more. Everything I have ever known is lovely but there is more. The longings I have are proof of that.

Springtime Ramblings

Apple juice. Shorts and flip flops. Cool breeze. Smell of freshly cut grass. Bright blue sky. Puffy white clouds. Deep magenta flower petals. Classical guitar.

I love the atmosphere on my Southeastern campus. To emulate one of my favorite poets: Spring is here, can Summer be far behind?

The glory of God is so strong, so heavy, so powerful. I love Him and all the ways He pursues me on a daily basis. I am so in love with Someone so glorious. Jesus has my heart. And He knows it. :)

Dwelling in Unity: Bonding Over Dinner

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Ranting, Venting, Waiting

I'm tired of spinning in circles going NOWHERE. And I'm even MORE tired of being judged by family for not "doing anything" when God tells me to stand still. So am I supposed to just spin in circles again? Is that what would be approved? For the first time in a long time I am doing NOTHING. I am praying. I am seeking the face of God. But I am not physically doing anything. When others try to throw me into doubting that I am doing the wrong thing by 'just' waiting, it makes me upset. I already doubt enough on my own-just being honest. I don't need people I look up to telling me that I am doing something wrong when I'm not.
Did you ever experience in your life this frustrating phenomenon: You think "I need to get up and do my homework," as you are getting up to...do your homework only to hear your mom say "Hey! You need to get up and do your homework!!!!!" ? That always frustrated the living daylights out of me.
But instead of that, when the doubting comes, I think to myself "God told me to be still. It seems crazy. I feel like I'm in limbo. I should DO something! But He said wait, so I will." And then a well meaning person says "You're standing still? That's crazy! you're in limbo. You should DO something!"
Don't get me wrong. I believe in actively waiting. I believe God ordains all of our steps including our waiting. I also believe that active waiting is different than making a plan B just in case what God is up to "doesn't pan out." As if anything I could come up with would be better than what God could do!
God told me to wait. I'm waiting. When the 293,945,392nd person comes up to me today and asks me "What are you doing (IN FIVE WEEKS) after you've graduated and gotten back from your missions trip? (tick tock)" I will say without shame, this time, I don't know. I'm seeking God and when He tells me I'll get back to you.
I'm tired of conversation coma turning into a doubt fest. Conversation Coma: People drag out some statement that is meaningless to them in order to keep the conversation conscious for one more minute before it dies, leaving the conversed with in deep distress, unknown to the oblivious asker.
I'm really not cranky, I promise. Just tired of not knowing. Just tired of being reminded that I don't know by people who continue to ask me because I'm now too old for them to ask what grade I'm in.
One of my professors reminded me that God will let me know. My frustration is just coming out of the fact that He hasn't told me TODAY. Oh for grace to trust Him more.

Rainy Revelations

I don't know anymore today than I did yesterday about my future. There are two more choices today. That isn't necessarily a good thing for someone who is indecisive. I know in my heart what the "ideal," "perfect," or most desired thing is. But it seems impossible for all of that to be wrapped up in five weeks! I am reminded that with God, nothing is impossible and five weeks might as well be several thousand years.
Today, I am not moved by what might be. I am called to the present out of my reverie by a sudden down pour as I sit on the portico outside of Mi Casa Cafe. There is a slight chill in the air, enough to remind me of home actually. What seems like a dreary day is really a comfort. My warm red jacket, my trusty Merrill waterproof hiking boots, my favorite jeans and Southeastern tee shirt are also slight glimpses of what I would be wearing were I in Carolina today. I am also reminded of the sweet friends I have. Those I may, in all honesty, never see again after graduation and those I hope to see in my everyday life. But those thoughts wake me and revitalize me and make me aware of just how precious this time is. It is not to be worried away, hoped away, mindlessly wished away.
I have a phone interview tomorrow.
My heart has found itself attached to a certain fellow.
My calling seems to be something that no one has ever done-at my age at least.
These three things pull me in at least two different directions if I let them.
But today?
I spend time with the man who has become such a sweet friend and we talk about our shared passion for conference speaking and ministry and I enjoy the time we have.
Tomorrow? I'll answer the phone when it rings for the interview.
Beyond that?
Only God knows and only time will tell.
In the meantime?
I will wait. I will trust. I will not be moved.
This journey has brought me too far to give into a mind divided between faith and doubt.( Thanks for that Amanda.)
The sun is peaking from behind the clouds. The clouds are releasing another abundance of rain. Class starts in a few minutes. I'll put on my beloved red jacket and step out in it. It's the only way to live: equipped for the present, prepared for what may come and not stressing over the things that water you and cause you to grow in the end.

Expectant

The trouble with expectation is thinking you know what to expect and having a false sense of preparedness. But the good thing about expectation is that there is a willingness and a longing for and an openness to, something more. I am expecting great things. I have this sense of excitement in my heart for the days ahead. God birthed that in me today. I have had a sense of not knowing where I'm going and that has caused distress, even to a heart devoted to Him. But today, I was able to eat lunch with the North Carolina District Youth Director, also someone who has become a key influence in my life. He was able to pour into me, not just with his knowledge or networking. But he just gave of his time and I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. It gave me a sense of home, being that I am so far from home right now. I also got to speak with one of my favorite professors today and get godly counsel from him. I THEN got to spend extra time with someone who is quickly becoming close to me and is someone I highly respect and confide in. They are a true and rare gift from God and I'm thankful for our relationship. He also was able to give me advice and just share empathy with me in my not knowing what I'm doing.
Today has been a booster shot of encouragement and I am filled with expectation of the things of God. I am finding that even though I may not have a clue where I am going (Abraham also set out, not knowing where he was going and that faith was counted to him as righteousness-or true relationship with God-and he was declared a friend of God), I am excited about where I am going because I know God is setting things in motion. He has gone long before me to prepare the way. Like being excited about an upcoming vacation or Christmas or seeing someone you love walk out of the airport terminal, I am excited and expectant for the awesome things God wants to do through me.
Lay your requests before the Lord and be open to do whatever He asks of you. He wants to use you, but you've got to be seeking Him!

"In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly." Psalm 5:3

I Lean Not On My Own Understanding (My Life is in the Hands of the Maker of Heaven)

If I could give God another name among the many He has, I would call Him Jehovah Catcher; The God who catches me. Let me explain:

Have you ever heard God speak?
Did you know that you just knew it?
Was it confirmed by people you love and trust?
If God doesn't change His mind, what do you do when you find that what you heard and what will be are different?
I believe in a perfect will of God. No justifying will let me blame the fall through on someone's disobedience. So maybe I was just enamored. Or maybe I misheard. When I heard, I didn't seek further. I didn't fast. I didn't intercede. I tossed up quick prayers as if praying deeper would get a result I didn't want to hear.
And now?
I am laced with the residue of another misunderstood, unrequited twisted version of love. Love itself will never hurt. The way it is applied is what hurts. I applied it in the wrong manner. I realize that for those who don't know me well, this is hopelessly ambiguous and for those who do know me, this is deeply personal. But either way, this is me-the raw, uncut real deal.

Today my eyes are opened and a sincere cry of my heart has been heard and answered. In that, I find the sweetest friendship I have ever known with someone who wants me to be happy. And my eyes are open to someone who may just be sent from the Lord to make me happy. What I have been missing this whole time has been those two things, and the fact that I'M NOT IN CONTROL. I never have been! This makes me delirious with happiness. Whew! Because if I were in control and things were THIS out of control, there would be a major problem. But I have completely given everything over because I can't do anything with where things are.

The following lyrics are the exact expression of my soul to God in this moment:
"I'm so forgetful but You always remind me You're the only one who brings me peace. You're the only one who brings me peace. So I come. Lord, I come to tell You I love You. To tell You I need You. To tell You there's no better place for me than in Your arms. To tell You I'm sorry for running in circles, for placing my focus on the ways, not on Your face. You're the only one who brings me peace. You're the only one who brings me peace."-Running in Circles, United Pursuit

Another great set of lyrics that have been WRECKING me lately are also by United Pursuit.
"I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven.
I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven.
I give it all to You, God trusting that You'll make something beautiful out of me.
I give it all to You, God trusting that You'll make something beautiful out of me.
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.
There's nothing I hold onto.
There's nothing I hold onto.
There's nothing I hold onto.
I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven.
I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven.
I give it all to You, God trusting that You'll make something beautiful out of me."

I give it all to You, God trusting that You'll make something beautiful out of me.-And I know is He is. He wants to make something beautiful out of you too. But you have to give it all to Him and understand that this false sense of control you have is just that, false. Let everything go. Free fall. Be sure, He's faithful to catch.

Your Home, Your Treasure, Your Heart

When I crossed the state line into North Carolina last week, muscles relaxed that I didn't know were tense. When I got to my family, I was completely at ease. Now, sitting on my bed shrouded in a purple quilt, I look out my bedroom window to the yard just beyond it. The porch swing gently lulls in the light breeze and the azaleas do the same as they wait for Spring to bring their blooms. The sun is lighting up the Carolina Blue sky. I hear the washer on the spin cycle and I hear Mom lightly humming in the kitchen. This is what home is.

As I read in my Bible this morning, the Lord gave me a small slice of what home is waiting for me. "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6:19-21)

While I cannot prove it, I believe that Earth has glimpses of what heaven is like. There is something about the majestic beauty of the Blue Ridge Mountains or nature in general that feeds my soul, for instance. But having said that, Heaven is pretty much the opposite of whatever we could think of here. Here, you can't really have any material thing and keep it. It either wears out, breaks or gets stolen or just goes out of vogue. Like I said, I think there are echoes of heaven here on earth. But it's just that: echoes. This is a faded version of glorious color.
In verse 21, Jesus says that where your treasure is laid up is where your heart is going to be. Your heart is the core of you. Wherever you have put your treasure, whether on earth where moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal, or in heaven where moth and rust do not destroy and thieves do not break in and steal, your heart is going to be where your treasure is. What do you value? Where is your focus? Is it of eternal significance? While very tasty, the only way Starbucks sticks with you is around your middle. While awesome to have, you still need to purchase a new mac every 4 years or so. While necessary, a new car will lose its lovely smell and its efficient function over the years. Clothes wear out or go out of style. Jobs become obsolete. Phones get scratched and their software updated regularly. But what is eternal? What lasts?
It is the spiritually mature who can see that the things of God are the only things that last. Our souls never die. Invest in God's kingdom. Love God. Love people. Those are the things that will be carried over into eternity. If we don't do those things, that will also be carried into eternity. Matthew 6:14 & 15 says "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." What you do (or don't do) now echoes in eternity. Where is your heart? Where is your treasure? What do you treasure? Jesus goes on to say that the way we see things effects everything in our life and in the lives of those around us (Matthew 6:22-23)
When you daydream, what do you think about? Most likely, that's where your focus is. Be eternally minded. Be focused on the treasures that heaven esteems. They'll be safe there. And anything you lay up in heaven is going to last.

Slingshot When It Seems Like A Long Shot

That video is a song that has been in my spirit a lot this week. Sometimes we have to remind our souls that we are the Lord's, that He has everything under control, that in the end He won't do anything that won't be for our good and for His glory. For all my days, Jesus I am Yours.

Also, I have been enthralled with the ministry of Jentezen Franklin here lately. I just love everything the man has to say, or what he allows the Spirit to say through him, rather. Last night I was watching his program as he spoke on God's will for your life. Something he said the Holy Spirit told him to speak just completely arrested my heart. He said that when you feel like you are moving further and further back from the will of God, when it doesn't make sense, when you're not getting closer but further from the promised things-the Holy Spirit says no step is ever wasted. You are pulled back sometimes because you are in a slingshot position. God is about to catapult you smack dab into the center of His will. He said Joseph was catapulted from the prison to the palace after 20 years of knowing he had a dream and knowing he had heard from God.
Today where I stand, I feel as if I have gotten so close to the dream that God has given me. But then I have been snatched backward all of a sudden and can't even get my feet on the ground. But that's okay! I'm about to be shot right into the middle of something awesome. That encouragement couldn't have come at a better time and the Lord knew that.

Encouragement for a Weary Heart

The days are so full. Full of life, love, sunshine, promise. Full of pain, anxiety, pressure, sorrow, uncertainty. And some days are full of both. Those are the days of rollar coaster emotions. Today is one of them. I find that the rain does fall on the just and the unjust.

The Lord reminded me of Luke 12. In verses 22- 32 it says: "Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom."

Worry and fear is not an option. He will give me all I need. He will provide for my family. Psalm 37 is a promise and instruction I cling to today and tomorrow and the day after that.

A Walk to Remember

I have been dealing with a lot of interesting things lately. The Holy Spirit has been dredging up things from deep within me and gently working with me to correct those things. It has been hard and exhausting. But today on my walk back from lunch, I saw one of the RD's (I think) and his little girl. She couldn't be more than two years old. She is so small and precious. She gave me baby fever, honestly. But she was crying like someone had just snatched her favorite toy away. Her dad gently said "Honey, you're gonna have to walk." He held her hand but he was forcing her to walk when she wanted to be picked up. It would have been easier for him to just sweep her up into his arms and walk across the courtyard. But he patiently walked with this crying young'un (North Carolinian speak for 'young one' lol), as he was slightly stooped so that his arm would reach hers and he continued coaching her.

Immediately the Holy Spirit said "See? That's how the Father is with you."

It would be easier to just do the thing that would shut me up, to just give me what I wanted. But I wouldn't be learning. On the Andy Griffith Show, Andy Taylor tells his son Opie "You need to be able to learn to stand on your own two legs." God will never make me actually go alone. He will be, in reality going out of His way by stooping down so I can reach Him, coaching me so that I will be quieted with His love and patiently going at a pace I can keep up with. His timing isn't mine. Just because I think I'm ready for a marathon doesn't mean I am. He knows that and He has made me go slower. He doesn't always (or hardly ever) does what is easiest. But He most certainly always does what is best.

The end of the story? The little girl became content to just be walking through the courtyard holding her father's hand. I think sometimes my problem is that I am so focused on the fact that God isn't doing what I think He should be doing (don't shout me down now!), that I forget to be content in knowing that He holds my hand. The God of all heaven and Earth. The God who called things into being takes time to love on me and talk me through things. When that little girl is older and is able to walk without stumbling all the time and can eventually run, she won't even be able to remember today. But without today that won't be possible. These are light and momentary trials but there is a glory that far outweighs them all (2 Corinthians 4:17).

Letters from Me and Paul

I pray that today you will be surrounded by whispers of love; that you will discern how much I love you, how much Jesus loves you and a glimmer of how valuable you are. For every debt you owe, through the eyes of Christ you are worth far more. For every success and every short coming, worth indescribably more. Today I pray that if your heart feels twinges of regret from the past, that the whispers of love will echo in the canyons of your soul to the deepest place. You are not only welcomed here with me, you are not only wanted here. You belong here. This is your home.
In a smiling face, in the sunshine, in the winds of life as they blow-hear the whispers of love. Love isn't overbearing. But love makes statement enough to calm your heart, assure your mind and cast away your fears. Let it. Let the wind hug you while I can't. Let the sun embrace you. Let the Spirit guide you; He wants to, you know.

Paul had his own prayer:
"I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way." Ephesians 1:16-23

Tow Zone-Second Chance Calls for Over Analyzation

There is a raw place in my heart. I didn't know it was there until I got a tow warning stuck to the window of my car (I mean the whole warning was a STICKER that will NOT peel off! UGH!!) My first thought was what every dependent, people pleasing rule follower would think: "They just don't know who I am!" At least it was a warning. But it scared me because if it had been towed, I don't know what I would have done apart from asking a friend for a ride home. I had even left my purse in the car sense I was going in to my friends' apartment. I even called one of them to make sure it was okay to park there and they assured me it was. But tonight after I called them on my way home, their response was "Well next time you won't park there will you?" I felt a few dramatic words so bear with me: I felt rejection, hurt and abandonment. I know that sounds a little out there. But the trigger for those feelings was the fact that the same person who told me it was FINE to park there, "Don't be silly. 'There's no towing on Saturdays,'" making light of my concern then turned it to something wrong I had done under their instruction.
Let me make this clear: I am not deceiving myself by thinking all of those feelings came from tonight...
Any time I get hurt or have gotten hurt in the past, it has been because I went against my better judgement ONE time, ONE and that was all it took for things to fall through, for me to be left holding the ball and for people I trusted to be no where in sight. I didn't get a warning sticker. I got stuck. Tonight I stood alone in the school parking lot after getting back to campus trying to get the sticker off. It was almost as if I felt dirty and just had to get that sticker off the window. I didn't care if it wasn't safe for me to be out there after midnight. I didn't care that I was the only one in the parking lot. I pushed my dad's voice out of my head "the sticker is secondary. You're a sitting duck right now. Go to your room and worry about this later." As I scratched and scratched this stupid sticker the anger rose in me. Not at the one telling me to park there, not at the person who put the sticker there, not the one who called the people to put the sticker there. I was mad at myself-for not parking in a designated space-against my better judgement. Saying "so and so said I could park there" wouldn't hold up, but I was cold and tired and didn't want to have to walk far by myself when I came out. So I risked it without counting the cost.
I learned two things (so far at least) tonight:
One was quite personal. I have issues. haha My first instinct was to possibly hurt someone I love very much by telling them it was my mistake because I trusted them (in thinking it was okay to park there). Those were words regretted as soon as they left the portal. The truer statement would have been "It was my mistake because I didn't listen to myself. The fact that I had to even ask you was my answer. For the next three minutes of our conversation I will now be punishing you for every jerk in my past." God used that tow warning sticker to bring things to the surface that need attention. I'm not okay. There are things I need to work through.
The second thing is that in ANY situation, you MUST count the cost. If you're thinking that love doesn't count the cost, I see where you're coming from but I disagree. Love counts the cost and pays it anyway without regard to the inconvenience. But before you pay the cost, you must consider it. For every action there is a consequence whether good or bad. We must choose which we are willing to face.
This is just me thinking on "paper." But it really bothers me, the way I'm feeling right now. I am frustrated, I am trying to work through it and not make it a big deal all while knowing that it could have easily BEEN a big deal, and I am trying to figure out how to get the rest of that blessed sticker off of my dang window.