As I sit in God's will-figuratively but also literally-I look around me and see the loveliness that is Southeastern. Still can't believe I got to come here and that I graduate in two and a half weeks! God is so amazing. He takes me by surprise all the time. I have learned so much about myself and about Him. I didn't find the things I expected to (Let's be honest: ring by Spring), but I did find things I didn't expect (Such as the desire to get my MDiv). I miss home. By home, I mean the mountains of North Carolina. I daydream about gardens and sweet drives on the Blue Ridge Parkway with the windows down and the sunroof open. I miss my Mama and Daddy. I'm so thankful that God is allowing me to go to Romania and has allowed me to go to Israel and I am excited about all the other places I will get to go for Him. But I am equally thankful that out of all the places in the world, Western North Carolina is home. It's so nice to come back to. :) It's also okay that I didn't find Mr. Jada while I was here. I have always wanted to be a homemaker, but I can make a home for myself. I have the rest of my life to be a wife and mom so I'm just learning to embrace the future that is quickly becoming the present. I am learning who I am and it's wonderful! I am learning that no matter how I feel, rollar coaster up or rollar coaster down, God's plans are not unstable. He's the solid place for me to stand.
Jason Upton has some lyrics that have really been hitting me in a certain spot of my heart lately:
"There will be days you feel like flying.
Then there'll be days you feel like crying.
Never give up, never stop trying.
Never believe My love is dying.
'Cause when the whole world is through with you, baby
I will still love you, My child..."
I guess I should finish my 10 page Corinthians paper now...
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Day Dreams
I'm sitting in the library not doing the very work that looms over my head. If I'd just get it done, I wouldn't be stressed. My life stings of paradox.
I'm thinking about the longings in my heart. The desires that cause my daydreams these days are also the things that distract me from my present reality. I know that at some point in the near future I will wish I were back here. Why do we do that to ourselves? haha
How awesome is it to be where God is, seeing all that He sees, knowing the big picture? Not that I want that responsibility, but my point is that because He sees and knows, the futility of my worry is magnified. God is working all things together for my good and for His glory.
All the longings of my heart are being stirred these days and I wonder if it's just me or if it's the Holy Spirit. Yesterday I prayed and asked God that if it wasn't of Him that the feelings and dreams would die. But they haven't.
I thought about how scary going into a new era of life will be and how much part of me wants to stay at Southeastern even thought the other 98% of me is ready to move on. God reminded me that when I came here I had the same thoughts about Montreat College. Every place that is known, every face that is familiar, every encounter I've had with God was at one point unknown, unfamiliar, unfelt. I had to have the faith to step out from what I knew and be ready to trust that God had something more for me.
I think the longings are the whispers, no the yells in my heart that the Lord is using to remind me that this is just the beginning. There is more. Everything I have ever known is lovely but there is more. The longings I have are proof of that.
I'm thinking about the longings in my heart. The desires that cause my daydreams these days are also the things that distract me from my present reality. I know that at some point in the near future I will wish I were back here. Why do we do that to ourselves? haha
How awesome is it to be where God is, seeing all that He sees, knowing the big picture? Not that I want that responsibility, but my point is that because He sees and knows, the futility of my worry is magnified. God is working all things together for my good and for His glory.
All the longings of my heart are being stirred these days and I wonder if it's just me or if it's the Holy Spirit. Yesterday I prayed and asked God that if it wasn't of Him that the feelings and dreams would die. But they haven't.
I thought about how scary going into a new era of life will be and how much part of me wants to stay at Southeastern even thought the other 98% of me is ready to move on. God reminded me that when I came here I had the same thoughts about Montreat College. Every place that is known, every face that is familiar, every encounter I've had with God was at one point unknown, unfamiliar, unfelt. I had to have the faith to step out from what I knew and be ready to trust that God had something more for me.
I think the longings are the whispers, no the yells in my heart that the Lord is using to remind me that this is just the beginning. There is more. Everything I have ever known is lovely but there is more. The longings I have are proof of that.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Springtime Ramblings
Apple juice. Shorts and flip flops. Cool breeze. Smell of freshly cut grass. Bright blue sky. Puffy white clouds. Deep magenta flower petals. Classical guitar.
I love the atmosphere on my Southeastern campus. To emulate one of my favorite poets: Spring is here, can Summer be far behind?
The glory of God is so strong, so heavy, so powerful. I love Him and all the ways He pursues me on a daily basis. I am so in love with Someone so glorious. Jesus has my heart. And He knows it. :)
I love the atmosphere on my Southeastern campus. To emulate one of my favorite poets: Spring is here, can Summer be far behind?
The glory of God is so strong, so heavy, so powerful. I love Him and all the ways He pursues me on a daily basis. I am so in love with Someone so glorious. Jesus has my heart. And He knows it. :)
Dwelling in Unity: Bonding Over Dinner
Dwelling in Unity: Bonding Over Dinner: "Last night was the first fundraiser that we held as a team. It was full of great bonding moments from carpooling, to pouring hot spaghetti ..."
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Ranting, Venting, Waiting
I'm tired of spinning in circles going NOWHERE. And I'm even MORE tired of being judged by family for not "doing anything" when God tells me to stand still. So am I supposed to just spin in circles again? Is that what would be approved? For the first time in a long time I am doing NOTHING. I am praying. I am seeking the face of God. But I am not physically doing anything. When others try to throw me into doubting that I am doing the wrong thing by 'just' waiting, it makes me upset. I already doubt enough on my own-just being honest. I don't need people I look up to telling me that I am doing something wrong when I'm not.
Did you ever experience in your life this frustrating phenomenon: You think "I need to get up and do my homework," as you are getting up to...do your homework only to hear your mom say "Hey! You need to get up and do your homework!!!!!" ? That always frustrated the living daylights out of me.
But instead of that, when the doubting comes, I think to myself "God told me to be still. It seems crazy. I feel like I'm in limbo. I should DO something! But He said wait, so I will." And then a well meaning person says "You're standing still? That's crazy! you're in limbo. You should DO something!"
Don't get me wrong. I believe in actively waiting. I believe God ordains all of our steps including our waiting. I also believe that active waiting is different than making a plan B just in case what God is up to "doesn't pan out." As if anything I could come up with would be better than what God could do!
God told me to wait. I'm waiting. When the 293,945,392nd person comes up to me today and asks me "What are you doing (IN FIVE WEEKS) after you've graduated and gotten back from your missions trip? (tick tock)" I will say without shame, this time, I don't know. I'm seeking God and when He tells me I'll get back to you.
I'm tired of conversation coma turning into a doubt fest. Conversation Coma: People drag out some statement that is meaningless to them in order to keep the conversation conscious for one more minute before it dies, leaving the conversed with in deep distress, unknown to the oblivious asker.
I'm really not cranky, I promise. Just tired of not knowing. Just tired of being reminded that I don't know by people who continue to ask me because I'm now too old for them to ask what grade I'm in.
One of my professors reminded me that God will let me know. My frustration is just coming out of the fact that He hasn't told me TODAY. Oh for grace to trust Him more.
Did you ever experience in your life this frustrating phenomenon: You think "I need to get up and do my homework," as you are getting up to...do your homework only to hear your mom say "Hey! You need to get up and do your homework!!!!!" ? That always frustrated the living daylights out of me.
But instead of that, when the doubting comes, I think to myself "God told me to be still. It seems crazy. I feel like I'm in limbo. I should DO something! But He said wait, so I will." And then a well meaning person says "You're standing still? That's crazy! you're in limbo. You should DO something!"
Don't get me wrong. I believe in actively waiting. I believe God ordains all of our steps including our waiting. I also believe that active waiting is different than making a plan B just in case what God is up to "doesn't pan out." As if anything I could come up with would be better than what God could do!
God told me to wait. I'm waiting. When the 293,945,392nd person comes up to me today and asks me "What are you doing (IN FIVE WEEKS) after you've graduated and gotten back from your missions trip? (tick tock)" I will say without shame, this time, I don't know. I'm seeking God and when He tells me I'll get back to you.
I'm tired of conversation coma turning into a doubt fest. Conversation Coma: People drag out some statement that is meaningless to them in order to keep the conversation conscious for one more minute before it dies, leaving the conversed with in deep distress, unknown to the oblivious asker.
I'm really not cranky, I promise. Just tired of not knowing. Just tired of being reminded that I don't know by people who continue to ask me because I'm now too old for them to ask what grade I'm in.
One of my professors reminded me that God will let me know. My frustration is just coming out of the fact that He hasn't told me TODAY. Oh for grace to trust Him more.
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