Learning in the Inbetween

I am at an interesting place in this journey. Sometimes I forget it's a journey with one complete end but many side destinations. It's the different destinations I tend to forget about. My purpose is to advance the kingdom of God through equipping and discipling young people. My heart is to see them reach their full potential to be able to advance the kingdom with their own gifts.
But today? I know I'm where I'm supposed to be today. At home with a paint catastophe in the kitchen, 2 cakes to be baked and three graduations to worry about this saturday and the ever present crisis of lack of money. I need a job, ya'll. BADLY.
I am caught between panic and trust, control and faith, fear and peace. Everyday I go through the cycles. I KNOW who God is and who He says I am. But I'm tired of riding the rollar coaster. I don't even know how I want things to go. I'm so lost in this sea and tired of getting beaten to death by waves that I am finally at the place God has wanted me all along...surrender.
Audrey Assad has a wonderful album The House You're Building. In that album is a song "Everything." A line that applies here and reverberates in my mind is "If everything is Yours I'm letting it go. It was never mine to hold."
All I want is ministry. Marriage would be wonderful but it would get in the way right now. I'm not just saying that because there's not anyone to marry. It's been made clear to me that's the reason there isn't anyone.
This brings me back to my conundrum. God's timing is perfect. So why am I in Mooresville with no job and honestly, no life?
It's the question that lingers and won't dissapear after being asked. Like a wad of foil in outerspace it just hangs around.
I found the answer to that question while I was washing dishes the other night. I was home alone, the house was finally quiet. Nothing but the sound of dishes being rinsed and the Holy Spirit praying through my vocal chords. All of a sudden it hit me. This thought:
It would take more faith for you to stay here than it would for you to move to the middle of the country.

At that realization I cried for fear that it meant I was going to be asked by God to stay! I know that sounds bad. But for some reason there has been this block. I haven't wanted to stay here. Maybe because I've lived here my whole life, maybe because I don't like it when people don't like me and after 22 years of life there are at least 1.5 people in this town who fit into that category. (Too specific? Sorry. Just being honest.) I'm a runner. I run from things. I run to things. I run. Quickly. Sporadically. God is showing me that I need to be chill with wherever He puts me and until then I'm going to be in the place I least want to be. It isn't bad here. It isn't horrible. There is just no opportunity for a full time ministry position and no where for me to live but at home. Maybe I'm being too candid. But I can't separate being candid and being honest.
I'm in a holding pattern for a reason. There are several I can think of. One: get my heart and motives right for leaving. -Leave because I have a job somewhere else. Leave because I feel called. Leave because I want to. But not because I'm trying to be radical or just because I don't want to stay.
Two: God is lining things up.
Three: I'm suffering for other people's lack of choice making skills. (This is my favorite because it means I'm 0% at fault!! Just kidding)
The real number three: Reasons only heaven knows, only God understands and only I will appreciate when that reason is revealed. It's no one's fault. There is an issue of timing. See point two.

God, whenever You're ready, let's do this.