Ranting, Venting, Waiting

I'm tired of spinning in circles going NOWHERE. And I'm even MORE tired of being judged by family for not "doing anything" when God tells me to stand still. So am I supposed to just spin in circles again? Is that what would be approved? For the first time in a long time I am doing NOTHING. I am praying. I am seeking the face of God. But I am not physically doing anything. When others try to throw me into doubting that I am doing the wrong thing by 'just' waiting, it makes me upset. I already doubt enough on my own-just being honest. I don't need people I look up to telling me that I am doing something wrong when I'm not.
Did you ever experience in your life this frustrating phenomenon: You think "I need to get up and do my homework," as you are getting up to...do your homework only to hear your mom say "Hey! You need to get up and do your homework!!!!!" ? That always frustrated the living daylights out of me.
But instead of that, when the doubting comes, I think to myself "God told me to be still. It seems crazy. I feel like I'm in limbo. I should DO something! But He said wait, so I will." And then a well meaning person says "You're standing still? That's crazy! you're in limbo. You should DO something!"
Don't get me wrong. I believe in actively waiting. I believe God ordains all of our steps including our waiting. I also believe that active waiting is different than making a plan B just in case what God is up to "doesn't pan out." As if anything I could come up with would be better than what God could do!
God told me to wait. I'm waiting. When the 293,945,392nd person comes up to me today and asks me "What are you doing (IN FIVE WEEKS) after you've graduated and gotten back from your missions trip? (tick tock)" I will say without shame, this time, I don't know. I'm seeking God and when He tells me I'll get back to you.
I'm tired of conversation coma turning into a doubt fest. Conversation Coma: People drag out some statement that is meaningless to them in order to keep the conversation conscious for one more minute before it dies, leaving the conversed with in deep distress, unknown to the oblivious asker.
I'm really not cranky, I promise. Just tired of not knowing. Just tired of being reminded that I don't know by people who continue to ask me because I'm now too old for them to ask what grade I'm in.
One of my professors reminded me that God will let me know. My frustration is just coming out of the fact that He hasn't told me TODAY. Oh for grace to trust Him more.

Rainy Revelations

I don't know anymore today than I did yesterday about my future. There are two more choices today. That isn't necessarily a good thing for someone who is indecisive. I know in my heart what the "ideal," "perfect," or most desired thing is. But it seems impossible for all of that to be wrapped up in five weeks! I am reminded that with God, nothing is impossible and five weeks might as well be several thousand years.
Today, I am not moved by what might be. I am called to the present out of my reverie by a sudden down pour as I sit on the portico outside of Mi Casa Cafe. There is a slight chill in the air, enough to remind me of home actually. What seems like a dreary day is really a comfort. My warm red jacket, my trusty Merrill waterproof hiking boots, my favorite jeans and Southeastern tee shirt are also slight glimpses of what I would be wearing were I in Carolina today. I am also reminded of the sweet friends I have. Those I may, in all honesty, never see again after graduation and those I hope to see in my everyday life. But those thoughts wake me and revitalize me and make me aware of just how precious this time is. It is not to be worried away, hoped away, mindlessly wished away.
I have a phone interview tomorrow.
My heart has found itself attached to a certain fellow.
My calling seems to be something that no one has ever done-at my age at least.
These three things pull me in at least two different directions if I let them.
But today?
I spend time with the man who has become such a sweet friend and we talk about our shared passion for conference speaking and ministry and I enjoy the time we have.
Tomorrow? I'll answer the phone when it rings for the interview.
Beyond that?
Only God knows and only time will tell.
In the meantime?
I will wait. I will trust. I will not be moved.
This journey has brought me too far to give into a mind divided between faith and doubt.( Thanks for that Amanda.)
The sun is peaking from behind the clouds. The clouds are releasing another abundance of rain. Class starts in a few minutes. I'll put on my beloved red jacket and step out in it. It's the only way to live: equipped for the present, prepared for what may come and not stressing over the things that water you and cause you to grow in the end.

Expectant

The trouble with expectation is thinking you know what to expect and having a false sense of preparedness. But the good thing about expectation is that there is a willingness and a longing for and an openness to, something more. I am expecting great things. I have this sense of excitement in my heart for the days ahead. God birthed that in me today. I have had a sense of not knowing where I'm going and that has caused distress, even to a heart devoted to Him. But today, I was able to eat lunch with the North Carolina District Youth Director, also someone who has become a key influence in my life. He was able to pour into me, not just with his knowledge or networking. But he just gave of his time and I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. It gave me a sense of home, being that I am so far from home right now. I also got to speak with one of my favorite professors today and get godly counsel from him. I THEN got to spend extra time with someone who is quickly becoming close to me and is someone I highly respect and confide in. They are a true and rare gift from God and I'm thankful for our relationship. He also was able to give me advice and just share empathy with me in my not knowing what I'm doing.
Today has been a booster shot of encouragement and I am filled with expectation of the things of God. I am finding that even though I may not have a clue where I am going (Abraham also set out, not knowing where he was going and that faith was counted to him as righteousness-or true relationship with God-and he was declared a friend of God), I am excited about where I am going because I know God is setting things in motion. He has gone long before me to prepare the way. Like being excited about an upcoming vacation or Christmas or seeing someone you love walk out of the airport terminal, I am excited and expectant for the awesome things God wants to do through me.
Lay your requests before the Lord and be open to do whatever He asks of you. He wants to use you, but you've got to be seeking Him!

"In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly." Psalm 5:3

I Lean Not On My Own Understanding (My Life is in the Hands of the Maker of Heaven)

If I could give God another name among the many He has, I would call Him Jehovah Catcher; The God who catches me. Let me explain:

Have you ever heard God speak?
Did you know that you just knew it?
Was it confirmed by people you love and trust?
If God doesn't change His mind, what do you do when you find that what you heard and what will be are different?
I believe in a perfect will of God. No justifying will let me blame the fall through on someone's disobedience. So maybe I was just enamored. Or maybe I misheard. When I heard, I didn't seek further. I didn't fast. I didn't intercede. I tossed up quick prayers as if praying deeper would get a result I didn't want to hear.
And now?
I am laced with the residue of another misunderstood, unrequited twisted version of love. Love itself will never hurt. The way it is applied is what hurts. I applied it in the wrong manner. I realize that for those who don't know me well, this is hopelessly ambiguous and for those who do know me, this is deeply personal. But either way, this is me-the raw, uncut real deal.

Today my eyes are opened and a sincere cry of my heart has been heard and answered. In that, I find the sweetest friendship I have ever known with someone who wants me to be happy. And my eyes are open to someone who may just be sent from the Lord to make me happy. What I have been missing this whole time has been those two things, and the fact that I'M NOT IN CONTROL. I never have been! This makes me delirious with happiness. Whew! Because if I were in control and things were THIS out of control, there would be a major problem. But I have completely given everything over because I can't do anything with where things are.

The following lyrics are the exact expression of my soul to God in this moment:
"I'm so forgetful but You always remind me You're the only one who brings me peace. You're the only one who brings me peace. So I come. Lord, I come to tell You I love You. To tell You I need You. To tell You there's no better place for me than in Your arms. To tell You I'm sorry for running in circles, for placing my focus on the ways, not on Your face. You're the only one who brings me peace. You're the only one who brings me peace."-Running in Circles, United Pursuit

Another great set of lyrics that have been WRECKING me lately are also by United Pursuit.
"I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven.
I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven.
I give it all to You, God trusting that You'll make something beautiful out of me.
I give it all to You, God trusting that You'll make something beautiful out of me.
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.
There's nothing I hold onto.
There's nothing I hold onto.
There's nothing I hold onto.
I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven.
I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven.
I give it all to You, God trusting that You'll make something beautiful out of me."

I give it all to You, God trusting that You'll make something beautiful out of me.-And I know is He is. He wants to make something beautiful out of you too. But you have to give it all to Him and understand that this false sense of control you have is just that, false. Let everything go. Free fall. Be sure, He's faithful to catch.

Your Home, Your Treasure, Your Heart

When I crossed the state line into North Carolina last week, muscles relaxed that I didn't know were tense. When I got to my family, I was completely at ease. Now, sitting on my bed shrouded in a purple quilt, I look out my bedroom window to the yard just beyond it. The porch swing gently lulls in the light breeze and the azaleas do the same as they wait for Spring to bring their blooms. The sun is lighting up the Carolina Blue sky. I hear the washer on the spin cycle and I hear Mom lightly humming in the kitchen. This is what home is.

As I read in my Bible this morning, the Lord gave me a small slice of what home is waiting for me. "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6:19-21)

While I cannot prove it, I believe that Earth has glimpses of what heaven is like. There is something about the majestic beauty of the Blue Ridge Mountains or nature in general that feeds my soul, for instance. But having said that, Heaven is pretty much the opposite of whatever we could think of here. Here, you can't really have any material thing and keep it. It either wears out, breaks or gets stolen or just goes out of vogue. Like I said, I think there are echoes of heaven here on earth. But it's just that: echoes. This is a faded version of glorious color.
In verse 21, Jesus says that where your treasure is laid up is where your heart is going to be. Your heart is the core of you. Wherever you have put your treasure, whether on earth where moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal, or in heaven where moth and rust do not destroy and thieves do not break in and steal, your heart is going to be where your treasure is. What do you value? Where is your focus? Is it of eternal significance? While very tasty, the only way Starbucks sticks with you is around your middle. While awesome to have, you still need to purchase a new mac every 4 years or so. While necessary, a new car will lose its lovely smell and its efficient function over the years. Clothes wear out or go out of style. Jobs become obsolete. Phones get scratched and their software updated regularly. But what is eternal? What lasts?
It is the spiritually mature who can see that the things of God are the only things that last. Our souls never die. Invest in God's kingdom. Love God. Love people. Those are the things that will be carried over into eternity. If we don't do those things, that will also be carried into eternity. Matthew 6:14 & 15 says "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." What you do (or don't do) now echoes in eternity. Where is your heart? Where is your treasure? What do you treasure? Jesus goes on to say that the way we see things effects everything in our life and in the lives of those around us (Matthew 6:22-23)
When you daydream, what do you think about? Most likely, that's where your focus is. Be eternally minded. Be focused on the treasures that heaven esteems. They'll be safe there. And anything you lay up in heaven is going to last.

Slingshot When It Seems Like A Long Shot

That video is a song that has been in my spirit a lot this week. Sometimes we have to remind our souls that we are the Lord's, that He has everything under control, that in the end He won't do anything that won't be for our good and for His glory. For all my days, Jesus I am Yours.

Also, I have been enthralled with the ministry of Jentezen Franklin here lately. I just love everything the man has to say, or what he allows the Spirit to say through him, rather. Last night I was watching his program as he spoke on God's will for your life. Something he said the Holy Spirit told him to speak just completely arrested my heart. He said that when you feel like you are moving further and further back from the will of God, when it doesn't make sense, when you're not getting closer but further from the promised things-the Holy Spirit says no step is ever wasted. You are pulled back sometimes because you are in a slingshot position. God is about to catapult you smack dab into the center of His will. He said Joseph was catapulted from the prison to the palace after 20 years of knowing he had a dream and knowing he had heard from God.
Today where I stand, I feel as if I have gotten so close to the dream that God has given me. But then I have been snatched backward all of a sudden and can't even get my feet on the ground. But that's okay! I'm about to be shot right into the middle of something awesome. That encouragement couldn't have come at a better time and the Lord knew that.

Encouragement for a Weary Heart

The days are so full. Full of life, love, sunshine, promise. Full of pain, anxiety, pressure, sorrow, uncertainty. And some days are full of both. Those are the days of rollar coaster emotions. Today is one of them. I find that the rain does fall on the just and the unjust.

The Lord reminded me of Luke 12. In verses 22- 32 it says: "Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom."

Worry and fear is not an option. He will give me all I need. He will provide for my family. Psalm 37 is a promise and instruction I cling to today and tomorrow and the day after that.