Rachel's day

Today my family is celebrating my cousin Rachel. She has graduated high school and is growing up so fast. I'm proud of her and the life she's living and the life ahead. Got to get back to the party but I just had to say I pray the best for her. Few sadnesses and many great adventures. I think she's well on her way.

September

When I think of September, I think of the corn at it's tallest in the fields hiding the signless country roads. I think of huge red tomatoes dangling on the vines waiting for the last harvest. When I think of September, I'm reminded that October isn't far behind, that picking pumpkins, raking red, yellow and orange leaves, drinking hot apple cider and going on hayrides aren't far away. Thick, warm sweaters and new jeans; September escorts summer into hiding and Fall into full swing.
When I think of September, I think of the crisp mountain air that's on its way, I think of days gone by and dream of days to come. When I think of September, I think of home.

This Lonely, Narrow Road

My time in Israel has been once in a lifetime. The people I'm with-I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else. But it hasn't been all fun and desert thistle (as oppose to roses haha). God has brought me through spiritual wilderness before and during this trip. I am FINALLY coming to a place where I can make the conscious decision to have joy. It's been so hard and today I miss home a lot and the "quizzy quiz" we took made me cry it was so frustrating. The people are nothing like I thought they would be. I don't know how I thought they would be. But I am starting to look at the hills covered with dirt and somehow I am beginning to see beauty in them. And today for the first time as I listened to "Stay Close" by Cory Asbury I heard a line I have heard many times before but today I really processed it. It says "I want to be Your friend, one who will sit and hear Your words. I want to walk with You down this lonely, narrow road." I want to hear His words but I don't want to be lonely!! hahaha The realization made me crack up. It is going to feel lonely a lot of times. It's going to be frustrating. Things that are unwanted are going to come. But that's part of being able to hear His voice. That's part of walking with Him. I think I "know" that but I had forgotten it. So if you are feeling lonely, if you are feeling forsaken or just tired and frustrated or disappointed remember that if you follow Yeshua, there WILL be those times. But you have the joy of walking with Him. You have the peace that you are going in the right direction. Sorrow will come for a season. But joy always comes in the morning. And if the lonely, narrow road means I'm doing things right, so be it because I am so in love with Him that as long as we're together, I don't really care where we are-this time I mean that.

"Don't look for shortcuts to God. The market is flooded with surefire, easygoing formulas for a successful life that can be practiced in your spare time. Don't fall for that stuff, even though crowds of people do. The way to life—to God!—is vigorous and requires total attention." Matthew 7:13-14 The Message

"Enter through the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and spacious and broad is the way that leads away to destruction, and many are those who are entering through it. But the gate is narrow (contracted by pressure) and the way is straitened and compressed that leads away to life, and few are those who find it." Matthew 7:13-14 Amplified

Psalm 151

Today we went to Ein Gedi where David fled from Saul. That is also where he wrote some of the psalms. We were assigned to write a psalm of our own from our hearts. Psalm 151. If you haven't read Psalms lately, there are only 150. :)

Psalm 151
I wandered in the desert;
hopeless, lifeless, barren.
I thought that in my barrenness
You weren't there.

I looked for lush, green hills.
I looked for flowing water,
living water.
But You showed me that I contained
the Living Water, the Garden.

In the ant You showed me life in the desert,
it may be small but it has purpose.
You showed me that from my barren places
You have not hidden.

You want for me to lean upon Your shoulder.
It was when I wouldn't lean that
I pushed You away.

Fill me up to the brim with Your
Living Water once more.
Give me the lushness of joy.
I looked for things on the outside and
came up short.
If I hadn't been in the desert I wouldn't
have looked on the inside.

I wouldn't have seen what You see.
Your garden of life within me.

I Come to the Garden

As I'm praying where You prayed Jesus, help me to understand a piece more of who You are; Help me understand more of what You faced, what You made possible. Help me internalize what You came to do and help me not be scared by the wonderful promise of Your second coming. Let me long for it and embrace it. Shift my perspective. Cleanse my heart and mind, for Your blood does a much better job than the ritual baths at the temple.
Lead me. Guide me. Direct me. Let me only spend my time, energy and emotions on what matters. Help me be about our Father's business. I can't wait until You come back. Restore the peace of Jerusalem. Break down the walls of politics and religion until only Truth remains. Split this mountain below me and the Eastern sky above me.

Whatever the cup of YOUR will for ME is, give me the courage and strength to drink it.

What Are You Committed To?

I have said that I have loved. I have thought that I have loved. I have thought that I knew what love is. But I haven't. I didn't.

I thought that by expressing my feelings, that being quiet, that letting myself get trampled on, that going out of my way for someone was loving. But the Lord told me that until I truly loved, until I truly got it, I would not be able to understand how to love myself, how to love my future husband, how to love my children and most importantly-how to love Him.

The past four years specifically have been used by the Holy Spirit and the influence of godly heritage to teach me how to love and to be love and to show love. The following line from Warren Barfield's song 'Love Is Not A Fight' has struck me in a vulnerable place: To some, love is a word that they can fall into. But when they're falling out, keeping that word is hard to do.

I have learned SO much in this time. The biggest thing is that love has NOTHING to do with what you "feel." Jesus Himself didn't feel like dying for us. Luke 22:42 tells us He prayed "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." Love wasn't about what He "felt" like doing, but what He was committed to. He was committed to the will of the Father. I'm fairly certain that it is safe to say my mother didn't "feel" like holding my hair back when I threw up when I was little and sick with the flu. But she did it. Why? Because she made a commitment to me. She LOVES me.

A godly woman I have had the privilege to grow up around once told me "Love is not a feeling it is a committment-not based on how I feel now or tomorrow but a promise that no matter what, I will put your best interest first."
C.S. Lewis stated that "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."

So you see, in a very small nutshell, love is not about me. Putting others first no matter what, loving the unlovely, is what it is about. After all, "We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19 (Italics mine)

Bowl of Mixed Emotions

I'm looking at the last week and a half of my internship. I cannot believe it has gone by this fast! There has been so much to learn, so much to do, so little time. I have just now found myself getting into the groove of things, being accepted by the youth leadership and getting to know the students in a tangible way.
I'm at a time in my life that I'm not exactly enjoying. It's hard to explain. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I'm doing and I'm not near any of my closest friends. I just want a sense of direction, to know that I'm headed the right way. Some say no news is good news. Here, I beg to differ.
I'm a bowl of mixed emotions today. I don't know what I'm doing or how to get there. I have to remember that God is guiding me even when it doesn't feel like it. But I'm kind of at the place where you find yourself as a kid learning to ride a bike. Your dad is gently holding the back of the seat and you're successful in your endeavor. But the minute you realize he's let go, you crash and burn. It's not that you couldn't do it-you were doing fine. It's just, you realized the balance and safety were up to you. Dad was still watching and he ran to you but it's just not the same. Today has kind of felt like a crash and burn day. I know God is with me, leading, guiding, protecting. But sometimes I think He lets us go so we can see how capable He's trained us to be. It's when we look back that we fall. I've strained so far ahead in an attempt to see the future that I've somehow leaned back too far. I just want to go to bed and give it another shot tomorrow.
As I've said before, I'm terrible with goodbyes. I can't wait until Heaven where there will be no more of them.