The In Between

Sometimes I just don't belong. When I'm at home I am loved and wanted but I know that's not where I am supposed to be. That's not where the Lord has me to do His work. But in any other place I find myself falling between the cracks. I feel invisibile-especially today. In eighth grade, invisible was the goal. When in a city by yourself, its not. Today a few people greeted me and hugged me but I silently prayed someone would invite me to lunch. I didn't want to force my way and invite myself and the other reason was the fear that they would not want me to come, then knowing how much I wanted to. They all know I have no job so they probably didn't want to inconvenience me. So instead, I have been alone doing homework thinking of what I'll do for lunch/dinner since its getting late. I'm sulking because my family and church family are having the first ever tailgate party with a lot of fun and I can't be there. Instead I'm here, jumping at every noise that is out of place and thinking-who in my life have I let fall through the cracks but never knew it because they were never noticed? How did it make them feel?
I'm in this inbetweenie stage of life where I am not a kid but I have no true core of people who take me as their own besides my parents. I don't want to live at home but can't get a job yet. I pray for, anticipate, do other things while waiting for love to find me. I'm in a place where the friends I do have, have other things going on. Crying doesn't solve things but it helps sometimes. One pastor really saw me today. Told me he could tell something was wrong but that I didn't have to tell him if I didn't want to (when he saw the tears brimming my eyes), and made me laugh so I wouldn't cry. I knew there was nothing he could do, so I didn't tell him what was wrong because the truth is I'd have to know what was wrong first. But knowing that he could tell, knowing that he took the time to see fought the lie that says no one here really cares. I normally don't write about things I don't want to remember but I think I do want to remember this feeling of...lostness, aloneness, forgotteness. Because if I don't remember, I'll be so wrapped up with my husband and my children and ministry that I'll forget to minister and I may not see the hurts that could easily be erased or prevented by company. I know that Jesus is with me and I'm not alone but even Adam wasn't left to himself. I just want community. I want to be in God's will AND be in community at the same time. Here I am in a feeble attempt to reach out but its to strangers reading this blog or people who will never read it. I don't want pity or obligatory invites. I'm not trying to complain or point fingers. I almost never even bring up these feelings. I just get tired of eating Ramen by myself. I just want to belong.